4 way stops and intrusive thoughts

Have you ever gotten into your car to go to work and wanted to drive anywhere else but there? There’s been many times that I have. A little over a year ago I started working a second job in hopes that my husband I would relocate to a small town about 30 minutes from where I grew up. Over time things started to crack in this imaginary foundation of the imaginary house we had began building in my head. Things were fine at first and I found great pleasure in starting something new. The days at this new job began to drag and drip with stress. The drives there became painful. About 4 months, whenever I got to the 4 way stop 10 miles from job I had this voice in my head say “just turn left”. Straight ahead was where I was working, but left, that would take me home to my parents. I never did listen to the voice but what I did start listening to were YouTube videos on topics ranging from “when to quit your job” to “how to find your own happiness”. The thoughts would waver between stress and strategy. I left that job today. I wish that I had something more interesting to say of how it happened, that I could tell you I listened to that voice and just turned left… but it wasn’t that epic. There was a work group chat that really got me going and I had finally lost it. I lost my top. All that vitriol and anger about the things that I despised and found to be unjust, all the things that I had been bottling up about the job came spitting out my fingertips in spite of my better judgement. I had hit my breaking point last night. The idea of going in today, even though I knew I still could, didn’t feel right. I laid in bed this morning having barely slept with a thunderstorm of anxiety swirling around in the pit of my stomach. And there was a fear. A fear of “what now?”. I didn’t need the job as I have a nearly 2 decade career already but as naturally anxious person I feel unsettled. To calm my fear I started searching for something else to do for work. I felt the immediate need to fill the two days that would now be free. And then it dawned on me… “why are you in a rush to fill that time with something that will not serve you”? I’ve always desired to be a writer and spend time learning how to heal these uncontrollable anxieties and fears( like the ones that were trying to convince to find another job that I did not need). So that’s what brought me here. Like so many others I have spent my entire life being my own worst enemy, and I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to spend my life now learning how to be MY OWN BEST REMEDY. I had no idea where to start with new life project but I knew if I didn’t just do it I mostly would just dream about it instead of taking action. This is me taking action. I have nothing else even ready to publish on this site other than this very blog entry but I’m just going to post it and go live and build it as I go. I hope that if this find you, you’re a kindred spirit seeking to redirect your trajectory, even if you don’t have the full path laid out just yet. I’m grabbing my first stone and I’m laying my path; left.

xoxo

Writer’s note: I said I love write at no point did I say I was pro 😉